It’s always humbling to know that you are probably the most untalented person on the face of this earth…

Sometimes I don’t understand what life is. I don’t get why I am where I am. This has been going on for far too long now. Why won’t things change?

The confusion and anxiety of this life is unnerving even for the most heroic. All I can do is drown in my emotions and breathe in the pain as my lungs collapse because of the weight of it all.

It’s truly unfair…

It’s truly unfair to know that you are lagging behind in everything in life while everyone else is racing ahead of you — and even a couple give you the proverbial finger… pardon the language.

You try so hard, it’s not like you aren’t doing anything… But you try, and try, and try some more… and what? Nothing happens, it’s as if you are in pause and there is no one to press play. Why won’t your life continue? Why can’t you get things right? Why are you such a loser? I know that’s what people think even if they don’t say it.

I can’t blame people for not wanting to be around me, sometimes I don’t want to be around myself… sometimes I even hate being who I am. I can’t blame people for mocking and jeering… I have nothing to show them… nothing to prove to them that I am worth something… that I can be a success.

Success: what a joke that is.

Some of the most wicked, most terrible people I know have it all and in excess… What about me? I try to do the right thing, I try to be the right person, I try to obey God in everything in my life… yet I have nothing.

It’s truly unfair…

It’s truly unfair to know that God exists. Because if God exists, then that means He’s sovereign. If He is sovereign, then why does life suck and hurt so badly? Why should I suffer, why should I be the loser, why can’t I be a winner… or successful… or good looking… or athletic… or smart…

Why didn’t God gift me with anything… why am I left with empty hands? Why am I nothing but an empty shell of a man?

I just want to know why I’m here. Doesn’t everyone? Doesn’t everyone care about their existence. It actually might be easier not to. I would like to not care about my existence or why I’m here… it would make things a lot easier. But I believe in God, I believe in everything He says He is… that makes life so complicated.

When will my time come… when will I get the things that I want? If I had just one question to ask God… I would ask, “Why didn’t you come and provide for me when I needed you to?” Might be selfish but it is something that is always on my mind.

But then again, I’m just a speck of dust… a grain of sand compared to the rest of the world, the rest of the universe. Who am I? I’m nothing… absolutely nothing. Maybe my failure and tragedy of a life is just a reflection of that truth.

What if I’m a walking billboard? A billboard that says, “It’s possible to have nothing and to be nothing.” If I have to be a nothing in this life, if that’s what God has called me to be… then I will be the best nothing possible.

Just as I am a speck of dust… a grain of sand… that’s how much I hold on to: a speck, a grain. Thats my hope: a speck, a grain. I see the way people look at me, I don’t like it but I deal with it… I’ve dealt with it for so long.

I’ve become acquainted with the folly of my life, the nothingness found inside.

God when will things change? Oh, I hope things change…

[Dedicated to those who are hurting... I feel your pain. We will make it through. Hold on to hope. It's all we got left...]